It was hard at first to look in the mirror at the new contours of my body. Hips where there used to be none, bulges claiming new real estate where my abs used to be. Motherhood was unchartered territory for me in more ways than just caring for a new life. My body also seemed to have a new landscape of its own too. After years of dieting and striving to be the thinnest and the fittest me I could be, I am learning to love my body in a different way now.
Instead of squeezing in one more workout to fit into my NBA or NFL cheerleader uniform, now my days consist of squeezing in a nap and praying my jeans will someday fit again. Sure, I'm getting my cardio in by running around after two little boys, and I have lost most of the baby weight from baby Jaxson, but my body is just different now. Stretched to its limit and back again, after an 8lb 3oz baby boy and an 9lb 3oz baby boy.
If I'm being honest, yes, I maybe close to being back to my pre Jax weight but I am not back to pre Cashton weight, and I am not sure that will ever be my reality again. It took me a long time to say, but I think I'm okay with that.
Of course there is a beauty to child birth but feeling like a stranger in your own skin is an alienating feeling too. I've learned that it's okay to give yourself some grace because it takes time to feel like you again. I am still working toward feeling like me, but I'm closer than I was 2 months ago when these photos were taken.
Thats a big step for me because I spent months looking around at my girlfriends who were also having babies. It was hard for me not to compare myself to them and how quickly they bounced back. It was really difficult for me to quiet the voices in my head that said "Maybe you're too old". "You'll probably never look like that again". "Better throw out all those 2 piece bikinis."
I find comfort now in knowing that I wasn't alone in those thoughts. When I posted on my instagram that I was having a hard time finding the words to start this blog, lots of women chimed in and what I realized is that we are all in different phases of our journey. From encouragement to lip service and just saying that we love our bodies to truly liking what we see when we look in the mirror.
I sometimes think that I give numbers too much power, so in an effort to weaken it's brawn against me, I'm just going to put this out there. Throughout my pregnancy I knew this feeling would be a problem. When I went to my weekly and monthly doctors appointments and it was time to step on the scale, I would ask my nurse politely not to tell me the number. In an effort to protect my unborn child and my mind, I knew I needed to bury whatever deep rooted issues I had with my body.
However once I gave birth to Jaxson, curiosity got the best of me and I knew I had to make amends with that part of my life. When I went back in my virtual medical files I learned that I had gained 65 pounds during my first pregnancy and tipped the scales at 190lb. When I first became pregnant with Cashton I weighed a mer 125lbs at 5'7". and I haven't been back there since.
When I got pregnant with Jaxson I weighed in at 138lbs, and delivered at 180lbs. After almost 6 months postpartum I am hovering at 145lbs.
I hope that as women we can continue to lift each other up as we find our way back to appreciating the skin we are in. This process is not an easy or a quick venture, which is why I'd like to dedicate sometime to this topic on my podcast, Mommyhood to Menopause. I want to hear from real women on how they overcame this personal milestone as well as hear from professionals like Brook Marie Eneas, who is a motivational & fitness coach.
If you have a personal story please email me at LauRenMerolaBookings@icloud.com.
